Be the change you wish to see in the couch cushion.
The only thing we have to fear is the fearless elf.
I was trying to remember which direction the sun rises, then it dawned on me.
A German Shepherd, a Doberman and a cat have died. All 3 are faced with God who wants to know what they believe in. The German Shepherd says, “I believe in discipline, training and loyalty to my master.” “Good” says God, “you may sit down on my right side.” “Doberman, what do you believe in?” asks God. The Doberman answers, “I believe in the love, care and protection of my master.” “Aha”, says God, “You may sit to my left.” Then he looks at the cat and asks, “And what do you believe in?” The cat then answers, “I believe you are sitting in my chair.”
If you have Alan jokes, no matter how awful they are, please add them in the comments here. 😂
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So, a guy walks into a bar, goes up to the bartender and says “I bet you $50 that I can bite my right eye”. The bartender assumes the man is drunk and is about to win an easy $50 and so agrees to the bet. The man takes out his glass eye and bites it. The bartender is enraged. The man says “Don’t worry, I’ll give you a chance to win your money back — I’ll bet you $50 that I can bite my left eye.” The bartender can tell that the man is not blind and so agrees to the bet. The man takes out his dentures and bites his left eye with them. The bartender is furious. The man responded, “Don’t worry, I’ll give you a chance to win all your money back –I’ll bet you $100 that I can stand on top of your bar and pee in that cup on the other end of the bar and not get a single drop of piss on your bar.” The bartender agrees. The man stands on top of the bar and pisses all over everyone in the bar, not getting a single drop in the cup. The bartender, laughing asks “Why the hell did you do that? You knew you couldn’t do it — I now owe you nothing!” The man replied. “See that couple over seated over there? I bet them $300 that I could piss all over your bar and it would make you laugh.”
— This was one of the cleaner jokes he told regularly when I was a kid. He taught me how to tell it when I was in my 20’s.
I remember Alan first telling me this one when I was about 8 years old, at the old Michael’s Pizza in Aptos. It slayed me then and still does 😂.
Alan: I’ve always felt an obligation and a joy to be able to apply my medical knowledge and skill to the suffering of animals in need. Last week I was asked to come to the aid of a humpback whale suffering and in need of a circumcision. It was a really big and tricky job as you can imagine: I was only able to bring it off with the help of four skin divers.